When I first came upon this blog I was slightly appalled. I wondered why I would want some Victoria's Secret model's beauty shoved in my face, making me feel less beautiful and more jealous and insecure. Halfway through reading it, I thought I had it all figured out. At the end of the blog they were going to say that no one should want to "die" for any of those body parts because we are all beautiful in our own way! Maybe they were going to say something about drugs, abuse, or eating disorders to prove their point!... But it never came. It was really a blog that was honestly asking which part of a Victoria's Secret model you should be so jealous of that you'd die for it! It was honestly a post - a featured post on Lovelyish! - flaunting pictures of what we "should" look like and don't have! How depressing is that?!

So I had to write my own blog. (Even though I retired this blog a long time ago...) An empowering blog to say that none of us should feel inferior or less womanly because we aren't 5'11'' with big boobs, no waist, long legs, and tiny butts. So what? I'm 5'5'' (Okay, 5'4.5'') and my measurements are 34-26-36, and you know what? I'm smokin' hot. My hair is awesome, my smile is awesome, my body is awesome. I have enough money to take care of myself and that's all I really need. I don't need fancy cars or big houses. I enjoy playing with makeup; I don't need a personal makeup artist to put on my "mask" everyday to the point that I don't even feel comfortable in my own skin anymore! I don't need crazy diets or cigarrettes or drugs to keep me thin enough to have a job! I don't want to be told everyday that the bagel I ate for breakfast is showing. In fact, I would like extra cream cheese, please -- and the full fat kind! *Gasp!*

Are Victoria's Secret models beautiful? Yes. But so are the rest of us. I am confident and beautiful enough to parade my lingerie-clad huge-wing-wearing body down a runway in front of millions of people because I think I'm that sexy; who cares if no one would pay me to?! So stand up, women, and stop wishing you had what someone else does! Rock what YOU have. Love what YOU are.

I have had a personal blog on Xanga since 2002. (I think? Maybe 2003. Maybe.) That is a long time. I haven't even quit it and come back; no, I've blogged practically religiously for that long. But Xanga has changed dramatically since then. It's changed in a way that I, quite frankly, hate. It's all about gaining fame and recognition these days. And apparently, it's all about being a secret prick in private messages, but super relatable in a blog. It's all about liars and fake people. And I have finally had enough of that.

I admit that the very reason I MADE this blog was to see if I could get featured. My other blog - my real blog - couldn't. But this one could. And it worked! I got what I wanted. I was featured, to the point of not even being able to keep up with the hundreds of comments I recieved. Wow! It was a pretty awesome feeling to go to Xanga's homepage and see my blog "in lights," so to speak. On the other hand, there were some similarities to a situation I never would've thought to compare it to: My dad's death. Now, before you think I'm crazy, it wasn't exactly a blog-to-death comparison I made. It was just that, in that exact moment, it was like finding out who people really are. Apparently saying "porn = cheating" is simply so insane that people cannot help but spew diarrhea from their mouths all over the person who said it. Yes, it is just as ugly as that, if not more. And it reminded me of my "friends" when my dad died. Because that is another time it was very clear who was - and was not - who they portreyed themselves as. Some of my friends really cared, but some of them fled faster than ... well, I can't think of anything funny. Who cares? The point is that they ran - fast - away! Then there were the ones that really showed themselves. The ones that would send me e-mails everyday telling me my dad was "the only one in my family who was worth anything" and that he would be "ashamed" of me. Granted, this is a bit - okay, a lot - different, but the bones are the same.

The point is:
You think you know who someone is. You think you know who you like and who you don't. You think you know who you can be honest with. But with online "friendships" or whatever it is when someone reads your blog, you don't really know the person and they don't really know you. So when you, the same person you've always been, write a blog about something and they don't know who's written it, their true colors about what you've said come out. And it's not really pretty.

You think you know anything about the "famous" ones? You think you know anything about their character? You think you know anything about them at all? Half the time when I read that crap, I laugh, because it's so much BS.

There is one person - I won't mention names, but I want to - that acts super "real." She's just a girl next door, trying to be innocent. Bad things just "happen" to her and she doesn't know why. You know what? I've been that girl before. The one that "only has guy friends" and "doesn't understand why a girl would be upset by her friendship with said girl's boyfriend/fiance/husband." But you know what? Deep down you do know why. It's because you're a major flirt that likes to run around with taken men, flattering the crap out of them, because they are "safe" to play with. It's stupid. Anyway, this person pretends to be something she isn't. Maybe she even lies to herself about it. I don't know. But she's not some charitable person that tries to run around with a drama-free life. No, in private, she creates her own drama. She sent me a message accusing me of plagiarism - am I bitter? yes. it's a freakin' crime i am accused of here! - because I disagree with porn and she - what? - agrees with it. Wait, I'm sorry, what is plagiarism again??? Then she blocked me without even letting me respond to this bullshit! I had never been to this person's site before, and I didn't even know they were Xanga famous until she got all pissy, to be honest.

Then there are the others - all the "open minded" ones that with abuse and bully you for not having the same opinions as them. There are lots of them. They, too, like the block button. I am all for the block button for people that are actually being stalked or bothered, but when you're just blocking because someone disagrees with you, or your blocking because you want to make crazy accusations and not hear anything about it - well, I just don't think that's what the block button was made for. But that's just me, obviously. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm ranting, slightly off-topic.

I'm quitting this Xanga site, and going back (or continuing, rather, since I never quit it while I did this "political" one) to the one I knew and loved in 2002(3?). Only this time it has to have super privacy settings and I have to allow - basically - only people I literally know in real life to enjoy it. It's sad that Xanga is no longer what it once was, but I'm at least glad I can go back to my little roped-off area of my own little Xanga world where I can pretend it's all the same. Where I can ignore the homepage and "featured" and drama and "fame." How Xanga has become it's own little online Hollywood, I have no idea, but I'm moving out. Sorry I ever came here in the first place.

So thank you, famous assholes, for making me quit the public life of Xanga, and for proving that people are fake - or at least they are online, where they can "say whatever they want without consequence" - and only in it for the attention and ego boost, and when that's not available, turning into the pricks you apparently are deep down: fatal_is_life, SerenaDante, mixedbabiesrock, thetheologianscafe, paul_partisan, afs90, and the rest that are just like you.

I will say that one good thing did come out of this, which is that one person did change his/her opinion on porn, and I had at least a little bit to do with making it okay to change. So, in the end, though I have been called more names and accused of more crimes than I ever have in my life, it was all worth it. So maybe, in the end, I should be thanking you.

(Note: If any of my posts get featured from here on, just know that they were written prior to this. For instance, there are two blogs that are supposedly going to pop up on Revelife, but they were written long ago.)

**To be clear, I do not blame Xanga or it's leaders for this whole mess. All they have done is allowed people to say whatever they want, which is our legal right. I do not blame authorities when people misuse the system for abusing others. It is everyone's right to say the things they've said, but it's just bull. And, as they say, "If I don't like it, I don't have to look at it." I no longer will be sucked into the lifeless pit of bullies and abuse people like to spew around on here. Thanks, but no thanks.


Edit: I know not all "famous" Xangans are like this. But a vast majority (at least the ones I've heard of, which, granted, is not all of them as new ones seem to pop up all the time that I've never heard of) are. Maybe I shouldn't be blogging it up when I'm irritated, buuut that's what a blog's for, right?!

As I was laying in bed last night, I was watching this show called "I Survived..." (Have you seen it?) on some channel, like Bio, or something. The channel part doesn't really matter. Now, I had seen this show before, multiple times, but it never fails to amaze me. These people go through the - literally - most horrifying experiences you could ever nightmare up. They make it through the most terrifying, painful situations, and live to tell the tale. (On TV, no less!)

Anyway, I like to think watching this show gives me lots of ideas in the back of my mind, in the event anything horrible happens to me. I like to think it would give me hope if I am ever in a similar situation. I like to think that because someone else survived something so terrible, so could I. Not that I'd want to, but you know, you should always (try to) be prepared.

I asked my husband on day after watching the show, "Are you a survivor?"
"I like to think I am."

I asked myself the same thing. My answer?
"I have too much spunk and attitude and spirit to not be."

And that's the truth. I may die, but I won't die without a fight. It's possible my spunk, attitude, and spirit will be the very things that kill me, but in the end, I'd rather have them be the reason for my death than to ever live without them.

And now I ask you...
Are you a survivor?